First Love?

Do you remember your first love? The person whom you fall so hard for that you simply didn't know how to turn back from such a journey? 

First love is what we can sometimes called "puppy love" and perhaps it would have been the first determinant for whether we are gay / straight. First love is a rush like no other love, you can literally blush when the person you have fall for walked past and you felt completely at lost when he / she started talking with you. The feeling was simply... sublime (yes I am using posh word today, been watching too much english series you see). 

To be honest, I don't really know what First Love really is. I am one of those softies that simply couldn't say 'no' when someone told me they loved me and while I was single, I would smile forcefully and mumbled (almost incoherently with an) "oh I love you too". As such, I went into SEVERAL meaningless relationship where my feelings for them were simply.. care and not as intense as "love". 

But if I really have to choose, I would say my Singapore ex (lets call her Lanna for the anonymous lesbian thing) was my first (and perhaps to date, my only) love. I fall in love with Lanna when I was in my twenties and she had an uncanny ability to make me laugh about EVERYTHING. She could do an impersonation of spiderman and I would have bawled out laughing. In reality, she was possibly not that funny yet she somehow tickled every funny bone in my body. Whenever I saw her, I would smile from within my soul.. and wherever I go, whomever I met images of her floated around in my mind like a photo album. That aura of daze gave me 3 odd years of bliss before she broke my heart and found someone else. The breakup between her and I (if you had read any of my old blogs.. you would have realize how broken I was.. gosh, please don't read them.. and gosh where the heck is that darn delete button!?!?!?
 
So uhm... it happened again, I got distracted.. Lets go back to this idea of First Love. I recently got very addicted to a manga called "Aoi Hana". Download it / read it online / buy it, I assure you won't regret it!! And the main theme of the manga was about first love.. this idea of flawless love that transcended beyond time / age / personality was simply breathtaking. When we fall in love for the first time in our love, that intense feeling of longing, heat (wink) can literally drive us into oblivion. I am talking about this body chemistry that nothing else can even come close. People who scoffed at first love are perhaps people who had never actually fallen in love before. This feeling will last a lifetime but it would never return again even if you do have the ability to fall in love multiple times. 
 
Now that Valentines has just passed by, I do hope you would spare a moment of thought for your first love... yet if you are celebrating said Valentines with your first love, I congratulate you. You are one of those lucky ones who had gotten the one that had never gotten away. I, along with 90% of people out there, would spare that thought for our first love... or perhaps a person whom we love yet left us, we miss the 'first love' of our life, sometimes perhaps not the person, but that intense feeling that made us alive in natural high. 

Good night

Support Systems

Hi there,

It had been a very very long time since I wrote on this blog but after Chinese New Year I suddenly got inspired to write about 'support system'.   "BORING!" I can almost hear people yell, with 'support system' usually followed by boring technical terms such as UPS,  Database backup, etc.. (zzzZZzz). 

Ok, I must explain that my 'support systems' really doesn't related to anything I.T. but to do with human beings.  With friends, family etc. 

Ok a small background to why I started writing this article.  About 2 weeks ago a friend of mine came out to me.   He had been gay all his life and been in a monogamous relationship for almost 9 years.  I certainly applauded him and felt touched that he was comfortable enough to came out to me eventhough we weren't really that close.

After voicing his stories and histories, he started asking about mine.  I told him about my terrible breakup from my ex and he looked in awe and sympathies as I poured out my previous heartaches.  He suddenly grabbed my hands and started sobbing as if it was one of the most painful incident he had ever been through.  I felt slightly awkward yet touched by his compassion.  He finally asked beneath the sobbing "why didn't you call me and talked to me about it? You shouldn't have to go through this alone you know?"

His question caught me off guard because.. truth be told, I really didn't spend though that hellish time alone.  While I didn't blew this in his face he went on about why he felt compelled to come out to us (we have quite a lot of gay friends amongst out school mates) as he felt that we could all be great friends to each other in terms of any 'gay crisis' that might happen to us.  Afterall, we are mostly in the closet and most of us do not have a lot of friends who knew or perhaps outstanding our 'predicament'. 

I didn't argue with him that night as I listened to how lonely his journey had been and how he longed for people who are able to understand him and that he is able to talk about his relationship(s) openly with. 

I suddenly realised that many of us out there actually do not have a 'support systems'.   Many of us are indeed in the closet and several times we actually stayed there for the better parts of our life.  When we fall in love, we enjoyed it in silence and we fall out of love we suffered in silence.  In Asia we don't hear of a lot of gay couples that got 'married' in open.. and if they happened to really get married in open, it would either make the news to a sea of scorn or hatred.  Infact in asia, we don't get to hear much of anything gay at all.  Our heterosexuals counterparts so sheltered themselves from the fact that we existed that we are constantly suffocating in silence.  This is the reason why a 'support systems' is really so important.  A support systems in this case is somsone who knew about us, who can be there for us and not judge us based on our sexuality but by who we really are.  A lot of times such support systems happened to be gay themselves, if not, they are certainly gay friendly.

When my friend poured his heart out to me, he said that he didn't really have a lot of friends who accepted him.  I guess that is indeed what we all seeked for,  acceptance.  I am one of those lucky few that have a HUGE support systems with around 30 - 40 friends who are ok with who I am.  My mom had been one of the first person to know about my affinity and it took her 10 years to accept it but at least she knew.  (we will talk about coming out of the closet next time).   I guess one of the first thing to understand about such suppport systems is to understand that not all friends are judgmental.  There are obviously some who won't accept you, it's ok if that happened, never let narrow-mindedness bother you.  You must also realise and accept that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of.  You will be surprised how many of us are ashamed of who we are (as if we can control it??).    As cliche as it sounded we must first learn to love ourselves before we started to have someone else love us.

I believe that everyone of us should have a support systems.  You don't really need a huge one, if you have really good friends, just one or two is really quite enough.  We all can get hurt sometimes and it just felt that slightly much better when there is someone there to share with you while you lament.

K

Relationships are difficult

Relationships. It's one of those words that many of us yearned for yet very little of us actually have the ability to sustain it comfortably. Some of us have been in relationships for years and craved for further attention from others... whereas others are only in short bursts of relationships whether by choice or just pure bad luck. 

 

I am one of those people with exceptionally bad lucks when it comes to relationships. My first relationship was with an abusive girlfriend who verbally and physically abused me (yes, very dyke drama), second relationship was with someone who abused drugs and henceforth directed her withdrawals anger on me... there are many other relationships followed that were equally as bad or worst (like a guy who tried to rape me, and a couple of very meaningless long distance relationship). When I finally met a person whom I believed that I could spend the rest of my life with, we broke up (she dumped me for someone younger). Now I am falling for someone who cares deeply for me.. but is already attached and hence she couldn't promise me a future that I so yearned for.

 

Some might say it could well be my personality that attract such fatal relationships, while others, again, might put it down to bad luck. Either or, I am quite screwed. Being much older now, my so called "market value" is in a constant decline and my once confident aura is slowly decreasing too. 

 

I find relationship to be excruciatingly difficult. I don't find myself to be unattractive, infact I still attract a lot of attention that I never asked for, when I walked down the street, I still garner wolf whistles both from men and women.. yet.. I never understood the obstacles that I met in relationships.

 

I believe female + female relationships to be extremely fickled. Without the symbolism of 'marriage' the idea of longevity in such relationships are at best, surreal. We based all our hopes on just 'trust'.. yet within a lot of our minds there are always this shadow of doubt. An ex that might return? A certain girl-friend that just gotten too close? Someone younger or more mature that seem to suit our partner's taste might miraculously appear? Or perhaps they might turn back to the 'other' side and be with men (a lot of such incident is due to the pressure from Asian families). 

 

I am envious of people who have been together for donkey years and never have the relationship woes that I am currently facing.  It is also rare that I based a blog solely on my experience, so I am going to elaborate further on the difficulties lol.  I think it is also difficult being in a relationship for many years and suddenly have it broken, I know people who have been together for over 10 years between the age of 28 to 38 and suddenly the relationship ended.  Sometimes it's for something as simple as "incompatibility" others maybe because there is a 3rd party.  When you are 28, the world is very different, you are still in your 20s and people see you in a light with more yearning and attraction, but when you turned 38, you are fast approaching the dreaded 40s mark.  As such, market value is on an exponential decline.   In the meantime, it is difficult for a person who just got out of a 10 years relationship to infiltrate back into the market.  Jokes that their partner found funny might be disastrous in a group context.  Things you said might sound awkward or salacious even if you didn't mean it.  Relationship conduct might also change... it is all simply quite difficult.

 

I am rambling away, apologies about that haha. I shall 'pen off' now and have you contemplate on my theories. Take care yo!

Being gay in Asia is HARD!

Living in this world is hard, growing up is hard, being unattractive is hard, being poor is hard, being human is hard, being gay is obviously harder.


Aside from the daily stresses of life riddled with financial complications, self awareness, work stresses, parents pressuring us to get married, mortgage, loans, addiction problem etc etc, we have to be born gay too! (how unfair is that?).

Being gay gave us a completely different set of stresses, does my boss know I am gay? Will my client drop me since s/he is so religious? Can I ever sustain a real meaningful relationship? (ok fess up, how many of you really have long meaningful relationships that surpasses 10 - 15 years?), will I be able to have a child? (being gay doesn't mean we cannot be maternal or fraternal).
Now we add another stress, we are in Asia (gotta love this place). For some strange reasons, whereever you go in Asia you seem to know the entire community around you (or at least your parents know them). Asians are traditionally more demure, timid and obviously closeted. You won't be able to kiss your partner in the open, it's taboo! You won't be able to wed your partner under whatever high being's sanctuary, it's taboo (for some it's even sinful)! You certainly won't be able to easily adopt a child even if you are well off, it is (you guessed it) taboo! Of course with so many different kinds of stresses bundling on our poor crooked shoulders, it gets very difficult to really find the person whom you can really settle down with (yea, ok, it's taboo).
See, heterosexual (eventhough they do not wish to admit to it) have it easy. The world simply do not judge them as harshly. Even if a guy married 4 times, or a woman slept with numerous men, they might be called names but gay people could potentially (extreme case) be killed if they so much as looked at a straight person. Having babies for heterosexual is (in most case) anatomically possible while in gay's case, we have to either find a surrogate or use artificial insemination, both of which cost a hefty sum.
Marriage (I know some of us do not believe in this constitution) comes easy for heterosexual, all they need to do is marry someone of different gender (for whatever reasons), at city hall or chapel and elope (to save on wedding costs). See, many people (I hated that btw) likes to argue that many marriages are unhappy, they end in divorce blah blah blah.. While this is statistically correct, marriage does provide a certain degree of stability, recognition, common goals and not to mention marriage benefits.
See, in lesbian world, we have this term called the U-haul, lesbians (real study shows this, I gotta dig out my reference next time) are the most unreliable sexuality when it comes to commitment (you have no idea about that right?), study shows that women fall in love emotionally hence whenever we have this emotional connection with somebody, we tend to perceive that we fall in love with them and eventually decided to pull a 'U-haul' on them (move in with them). The misconception is on the 2nd date, but more realistically it's around the 3rd to 5th month. Without the legal implication of marriage, the relationship will eventually show signs of cracks (and we women are not really that tough when it comes to emotional breakdown) and then we U-hauled on to the next person etc etc. Not having a stable relationship, a relationship that defines us, a relationship that gives a stability in life, common goals of future, it becomes extremely difficult to grow, which explains why many gay people who are in their 30s to 40s still act and dress like they are fresh out of high school.
So back to my actual topic of being gay is hard! I do, however, believe that there are certain ways to defy such obstacles. First of all, we should always surround ourselves with good friends (if you have real good friends, just 1 - 2 is enough) who would always be with you through thick and thin (I have 2 of such friends). Then we should really take relationships seriously, don't ever be pressured to say 'i love you' when you are not ready... and if you felt that a relationship is not for you don't just jump ship immediately but tried to talk to your partner and see if there are ways to remedy such defects. Talk to people, don't keep things bottled up... don't be so selfish to hang on to a dying relationship and don't be too stupid to let go of someone who is really good for you just because you are bored. (next time I will discuss the 20/80 theory).
 


Society is against us, out of thousands of clubs in Malaysia, maybe only 5 - 10 are actually gay friendly, out of tens of millions of gay people in the world, maybe only 20% is really out and proud. We shouldn't make our life harder by getting in and out of relationships and become statistically unreliable. Respect ourselves before expecting people to respect us. Remember, however hard you are having it, you are not alone. Friends are important if you wish to live a happier and livelier gay life in conservative Asia.
K

Can old love prevail?

It's currently 2am and I have difficulty sleeping.  I had an exciting couple of days that should have completely exhaust me but it did just the opposite and gave me insomnia instead. 

Whenever I suffer incessant insomnia (which is very rare, I assure you) I will start to think about the most mundane things of life.  And tonight, with nothing but silence as companion, I started to think about old love..

I personally believe that all self respecting lesbians (even the ones with no self respect) should have watched The L Word series.  Ahhh... good series, I do miss the diatribe between Jenny and Bette (who is also Jenny in real life, go figure) and humourous banters amongst Alice and... well, just whoever.. Wish they would one day bring such a series back. 

Anyways, I digressed (I do that very often).  I was talking about old Love and L Word.  See, I am one of those old romantics who felt that Bette and Tina's storyline (particularly in Season 5) was very well written.  When they re-kissed the first time since the horrible break up, it brought shivers down my spine. Then they underwent an excruciating journey of hiding their escapades, it brought such pain (and excitement) to me. And of course they did eventually get back together, and I with their million of fans cheered the writers for making such a decision (after 2 prior seasons of utter wrongs). I now wait in eager anticipation that Calleigh and Arizona of Grey's Anatomy shall meet the same fate (of course, that will just have to wait till next year). 

Now, I am not proud of this, but I have several exes.  Several! I am one of those cliche bisexuals that fall madly in love so quickly and then realised how wrong it was to U-Haul.  I have thence grew up from that with a series of heart breaks (sometimes not mine) and roadkills (not literally). 

That said, I did have a couple of big love.  One of them being a wonderful person, lets call her Nat for now, in New Zealand.  I met her eons ago when I was just a toddler in this really new world that i have exposed myself to.  We dated very briefly for only 3 months.  But you know how intense the first 3 months of any relationship can be? Right right? I know you know it. *wink*.  We broke up for several reasons really, that I had to return to asia, that I was too anal (hey I was freshly exposed to that world, so you have to give me a break for being... prudish), that she had difficulty staying sober.  All the cliches you can think of, we been through it.   But ugh, lets not talk about the break up and the relationship.  We had and still have a certain chemistry about us, we seem to understand each other very well.. one of those relationships where we can understand each other just via a smile, a knowing look, a touch, a hug.. it was definitely surreal.  

The break up, on the other hand, was nasty.  I literally hated her for a year (that was me saying it took me a year to get over her).  Now 7 years down the line... things have changed, the whole world moved forward, but me and Nat, well, we remained friends (kinda).  We called each other during festivity periods and we both suffered a series of failed torrent relationships but therein remains this lil chemistry between us that allow us to still laugh about the same thing.  I believe this is as close to soul mates as I could ever get.

Now I don't believe that Nat and I will ever get back together, the distance itself is already quite a biatch and after 7 years apart we have both changed and evolved into another person.  I am certainly not as naive as I once were (oh thank goodness for that) and we are both in relationships that seem to suit us.  Infact if me and Nat still stand a chance, it would have completely terrified me.  The notion would be devastating to everything and everyone around me, going back to New Zealand is simply not an option for me now.  Perhaps in another 10 - 15 years when we were both old and fat and undesirable hehehe. 

But how romantic would it be to be able to to go back to one's old love.. to be able to sink yourself into something so familiar yet so terrifying.  I don't know if it's just a hollywood illusion (The L Word, Notting Hill, Sally meet Harry) or just that human beings want to keep this bit of idealism about us.  I hope all the old loves out there find happiness and live the romantic life that we watched of in televisions.  

For now, I shall pen off.

Good night.

Long Distance Relationship

We are all hopeful beings, being in a society which chastised gay people in general, finding a meaningful relationship is difficult so a lot of us hence relied on the internet to hopefully find that someone special who can satisfy our need for love. 

 

There are a lot of advantages to online dating, for one thing the value of exterior attraction is diminished for those who are less 'good looking' via the Hollywood standards. Online dating also offers more indepth conversations where people are more likely to divulge more personal information and of course when we chat, we can always press the backspace / delete button if we didn't mean to say certain things. It also offered a window of communication with other 'real life' people behind the screen for those of us who are simply too busy or shy to brave the dating world. 

 

That said, online relationship also comes with a bunch of negatives too, such as is the person real? You could well be talking to a person of a 'wrong' / 'different' gender or the picture the person uploaded could be fake, and of course while conversation flew easier online, it's also much much easier to lie shunt the eye-to-eye encounter. Could the person on the opposite end of the screen be a predator? I myself had been lied to numerous times online.  However, perhaps with new technology like Skype, such misunderstandings are also on a decline..

 

So, personally, I feel that one of the worst things about online dating is simply the distance. Ahh... the infamous long distance relationship. See, sometimes, just sometimes, we might actually find our soulmate online, but most of the time such person happened to be in another state, another country or another continent and while the initial flirting stage can be satisfied via the tip tapping of the keyboard, or the gentle soothing voice via the phone, we as human always desire more. We want touches, we want passion, we want kisses, we want to make love. 

 

So we would eventually meet up with this online gf / bf of ours and there will be all these sickening anticipation, desire.. it would be wonderful, but then departure will eventually come and both will be left feeling miserable and the longing intensify with time. Eventually there will be more meeting ups of course, but there would always be a timeline stipulated on this, in 3 weeks time? in 4 months time? in a year's time? As meeting up become increasingly scarce or burdensome, resentment will eventually built.. and both parties will started to feel the strain of the 'long distance' relationship. 

 

There will be time, as human, that we would injure ourselves and your long distance partner won't be there to comfort you.. you might have suitors who is within closer proximity but loyalty dictates that you stay with your 'long distance' partner.  So... resentment then built further. So... I had always wondered how long distance relationship actually works? Trust, would, of course be an ultimate must to begin with, and we would have to be patient, there should always be a 'plan'... one must be so persistent and consistent in the feelings department.  Perseverance is no longer just a trait, it became a must.

 

When I was younger, I indulged in several long distance relationships before, most of them ended miserably. But I had always been kind of a lone wolf.. which is why it worked for me as I had never liked to be tied down by convention and to be controlled by someone else. But as I aged, I started to feel the need for someone to be closeby, I desired a warm body next to me as I closed my eyes at night, and I enjoy walking together to the sunset right after work, I also yearned for a lot of attention when I got sick or injured myself (I am rather clumsy you see). 

 

Recently a friend of mine just got separated from her gf and they are now in a long distance relationship that is proven hard for them. They are so used to the togetherness that they shared for the last 5 years that this sudden departure made both of them depressed. I honestly don't know how long distance relationship can work. I mean, if a couple still have a lot of passion and yearnings for each other, how could they ever survive the distance between them? Can phone calls, emails, snail mails (huh?), skype, facebook, communication really satisfy that void that both of them left for each other? 

 

It's difficult... I believe that most long distance relationships only work if what the both parties have for each other are only pure love and nothing beyond.. that is, passion, dependence, desire are all dulled for being together for too long or if there is a distinct lack of attractiveness to begin with... (i,e people just got into a relationship for the sake of a relationship)... If you are indeed in a long distance relationship and somehow manage to survive it.. maybe you should really ask yourself if it's fair for the both of you to indulge in something so painful. 

 

 

K

This is How I Love...

Today I listened to a song by Emeli Sande (for those of you who have yet to hear this artist, seriously, you are missing out big time) that have a title asimilar to "This is how I love".  I listened to the song about the artist singing about how uninteresting she really is, that she won't be able to afford flowers and vacations and expensive sweet nothings, that she doesn't know how to make the person she love laughed or able to have nothing but passion for the person who cared for... yet she knows that her heart only beat for the one she love.

When I first listened to the song, I didn't think much of it, just another beautiful voice in a sea of love song.. but as I listened deeper into the lyrics, I can whole heartedly felt the angst that I sometimes feel in a relationship.   I had been in several failed relationships and the longest I ever encountered love was for 4 years, which, in all aspect is a very bad track record.  However, when I  do love someone, I love the person with all my heart.  I won't be able to give them expensive cars of jewelleries or even be there 24/7 at their beck and call.  But when they really need me, I will appear and when they wanted space, I will give it to them.  I don't love with passion where I can only display such passion in bed and give them insatiable love making.  (I am extremely easily satisfied lol).  However, I shall show my love with affection and care and understanding and attention to details.  That, in so many ways, are considered "boring".  However, in times of need, isn't that what we all really wanted? 

I had lost a couple of big loves to other people.  They either find someone younger, or more energetic or richer and prettier... those relationships they had after me never really lasted and eventually they will come back to me yearning for the attention and care and somewhat cooled love.  Yet, in those time of their return, I no longer welcome them with open arms and certainly not with the affection they so keen to seek.  I can be hurt too, during the time when my heart felt like it only beat for the one I loved and have that jerked out due to something as mundane as age, I will be absolutely devastated. And devastation does what it does, it creates a scar that never really heal. 

I now no longer loved like when I was younger.  When I do look for someone, god forbid the person will end up being the "one".  I no longer display the animalistic passion that I once held so important.  I now love with responsibility, with kindness, with attention and always, always with my heart fully belong to that one person... it might be boring, it might be silly.. but this is how I love.



K

Bisexuality - The alien species

Ok, a tiny little history about me.  I first discovered about my affinity towards women when I was 23 of age.  I was pretty much a latecomer.  My first inclination started towards a group of lesbians Greek women (my, they were sexy and terribly sexual) and eventually I went into a relationship (my first) with a woman when I was 24.  At that age, I should be rather mature, but sexually I was just a newbie, having never had sex with either men or women, I got extremely panicky when it came to the 'act'.  Turned out, my first girlfriend was a total loser and enjoyed beating me up (she was 9 years older and is one of those butch that refused to be labelled, ahh.. labels, we'll come to that later).   That said, we broke up after a couple of years (she got curious about other girls and started implying open relationship and I couldn't handle it).  After breaking up with her, I was convinced that I must be gay and started researching all kind of articles pertaining to the lifestyles of GLBT.  I guess one could say that I was rather well read at that age. 

However, what I read was certainly unpromising. It told that lesbian relationships generally do not last, and many ended up having open relationships to ensure the longevity of the relationships.   There are still so many of us in the closet and some even stayed in the liquor closets and became abusive (like my ex and the ex after that).  Being gay is already a very difficult path, to have it being chastised constantly just made it a more difficult journey to make. 

Anyhooo... almost 10 years down the line.. I got to know myself a bit better and can comfortably survive in my own skin.  I guess I can call myself 'bisexual' as I find myself attracted to both men and women.  Attraction is not really a determinant as I am sure most women, at one point or another, will be attracted to a man or a woman.  However, I sincerely find both gender to be equally enticing. 

Now lets talk about 'labels', many of us shyed away from labels, you don't want to be defined based on your look, you may look butch, act femme, looked femme act butch, looked andro, loves men etc etc.  And many people shyed away from the label "BISEXUAL".  Being bisexual is actually extremely lonely.  You alienate yourself from the gay counterparts because most of them would instantly thought you wanted the best of both worlds.. whereas heterosexuals (male in this case) would instantly visualized the possibility of a threesome (it's a horrible innuendo yet I suffered from it constantly). 

I am extremely educated (cough) and quite attractive (cough cough) yet I have heterosexual women telling me that they are better than me (inadvertently followed by baby talks, husband talks, funny they never seemed to want to compare education, IQ, EQ, or career when they talked about how much better they are) Needless to say, I lose respect for such women and would never NEVER want to be placed alongside them.

Bisexual people (especially males) seem to be an anomaly in the gay community.  Many still believe that there is no such thing as bisexuality.   I believe that love should transcend the skin that wrap us up.  To love someone unconditionally is all about who the person is on the inside.  Needless to say sex does play a big part in a relationship, but ultimately it's the person, the feeling you have for this person, the emotional connection, the rapport that set the final definition of a relationship. 

I have been through some pleasant and extremely unpleasant relationships, and trust me when I said that it's really not about how a person looks or whether she's a she or he is a he (or he is a she and she is a he), the person inside is what creates the most beautiful relationship.  Please don't alienate someone just because they said they are bisexual, they are as lonely as the next person in this journey or finding love, most of us do not even get "the best of both world" (but for those who does, good for them, but please don't put the stereotype on our sexuality).  Being bisexual also doesn't give you a free get out of jail card should you cheat (cheating is cheating nomatter how you wish to embellish it and it has nothing to do with your sexuality, it has everything to do with YOU). 

That said, I know several bisexuals that actually ended up with someone 'special' in their life. Be it a man or a woman, they are happy.  Ultimately isn't that what we all seeked in our life?  Happiness, fulfillment, contentment.  Fingers crossed that I shall one day meet the special someone, and when that time came, I will embrace the person's heart and soul and not about the equipment(s) that came along with the body.

K

Communication & Culture Shock

Having came back from New Zealand (and Australia) after 10 years of being there, I found it a pretty large culture shock upon arrival.  

 People in Asia.. well, very different from people in NZ & Australia (which, eventhough they will never really admit it, are actually extremely similar) 

Upon arriving, the first thing that came to my mind was that I have to leave this place asap.. so for the first year of my life, I refused to make new friends and refused to get too fully involved in my job.  I just wanted to go "home".  A place where I can be accepted for who I am and not be chastised for whom I chose to be with.  However, as the first year passed, I realized my mother was getting old and really required me to be around. While I might have been infused with western culture, I held traditional Chinese values and believed that children must be filial.  As such, I finally settled my heart back in Asia and started to open myself up.  

Upon such revelation, I started to get to know A LOT of good friends, most of them are PLU or definitely PLU friendly.  Eventhough I am Chinese, my mandarin / cantonese was barely passeable. These friends taught me rigorously and I finally am able to converse without having too many people laughing at me nowadays. 

Once that barrier of language was eliminated, I find myself getting closer with my friends, some will even tell me their deepest darkest secrets and I them.  Such information only made us closer and the friendship grew.  

Communication is such an important tool, people talked about it, read about it, blogged about it but actual communications are rare.  It doesn't mean one must have the Communication "gene" to be able to communicate, sometimes due to language barrier or inability to express oneself, communication just break down. 

After being back in Asia for almost 10 years, I am now used to the colloquialism and language style here, infact it actually brought be such warmth and joy when people utter the lahs and bahs and kahs so prominently in our part of the world.  Sometimes though.. I do miss speaking with someone who can understand deeper understanding of English language.   Recently, I found her.  A friend whom I had known for 12 years but didn't keep in contact until now.  We conversed regularly, sharing thoughts, ideas, stories, anecdotes, if she had been in the same vicinity as I, perhaps there is even a chance between us.  But being so bloody far, it is just good to be able to have someone where I could express myself infinitely. 

I love Asia now, it offers varieties, people, cosmopolitan and history.  I don't think I will ever thought about going back "home" to New Zealand now.. as I have found my home. 

K

The beautiful scent of infatuation

I am actually slowly migrating my blogs from another site to here, the other site has utilitarian tools for blogging and it frustrates me.. hence my apologies for my somewhat disjointed blogs. 

It had been 3 years since I had been single, it is really of no fault of anyone except for me.  I was highly infatuated with one solitary person for most of my single years and perhaps I simply wasn't good enough nor beautiful enough.. we never ended up a couple.  It took me nearly 3 years to fully wake up from the idealism and got back to reality.  Now that I am back 'in the market' I started to get series of suitors that seemed to have came out of the woodwork, seriously, where had they been for the past three years?? 

Suitors are funny, at least to me they are, they seemed to come in roves.. I am not one of those stunning gorgeous women who seemed to be able to attract people with a flick of my hair (so envy those) or with my absolutely stunning figure (seriously envy those) or with my magnetic charisma (seriously, so many people to envy!).  I am rather mild, not timid, but generally not the one that catches double glances (yea, envy those too).   That said, I have my nice fair share of suitors.. and when they came, they all came!  It is a phenomenal that I had came across several times in my life, it is like we excrete some sort of pheromones when we embraced being single and that triggers interests and curiosity.

Anyways I digressed (oh I do do that), now with my roves (yes, I am not that modest now that I had been single and hungry for 3 years!!) of suitors, I actually get to pick and choose.. some are guys and some are girls.  I am ok with either gender (bisexual and all) but I do have, like you know, a set list that I  am not too flexible about when I do decide to go on a date with someone.  I am one of those annoying stubborn old lady that simply believed that we should at least keep some basic principles in being with someone.. but as I aged, said list became shorter and slimmer.  I don't like to say that it is because I  am losing market value, but more because I am becoming clearer on limitations of human beings as I dated more. 

Ok.. now my list is rather short and simple, should be within close proximity (like at least same country or state), should be butch or manly and should be single.  Sounds simple right?  NO!  It appears that people who are slowly interested in me are either effeminate, overseas or attached!  Like wtf???   So I relate my "list" to my friend and she told me that is a "hard" list... O_O.  I have to really rethink my principles if I don't wish to become an old maid.  

That said, I had pretty much short listed my suitors, it isn't that hard to short list because, again, from experience, they will drop off one by one without much persuasions anyways.  There is this one female that I spoke to almost every night and I had became rather fond of her... she couldn't make the list because we weren't in the same country... granted she was only about 2 hours flight away, but distance will always be distance until we make a teleportation machine (ahhh.. can't wait for 2083 when my children didn't have to endure mommy's Sophie's choice).  There is something about her voice each time she called me, it was as if she was filled with hope and desire that it sincerely touched me.  I am now becoming less adamant of maintaining my ground, but I still believe that if ones are meant to be, they will. 

Then there is this butch that is attached, or perhaps newly single (I have my doubts about that though), she was kind and laborious in her pursuit of me.  She remembers things I like, will go all out to look for things that I need and even planned painstakingly of giving me numerous surprises just so she can see me once a while.  Well, again, she didn't make the list because she was, well, attached.. but it felt good to have someone who genuinely cared for what you wanted.. cuz at the end of the day isn't that what we all seeked? 

There are a couple of other short listed suitors that I shan't bore you about.  My ultimate point of this article is actually to emphasize infatuation.  Infatuation is a wonderful word.  It is slightly higher than crush but lower than love.  It is almost a chemical feeling that surrounds one's mind and body during this brief time (for me, people who were infatuation with me at most lasted one year, I didn't have a good track record).  During this period of dizzy infatuation, there are pulses of desire floating all over the place, you have this surge of hormone, this unselfish need to please and this eagerness to see the person you are infatuated with.  I am a visual and physical person, so sight and touch is of utmost necessity for me to even think about infatuation.  I am not one of people who said they will be mentally in love (been there, done that, don't like it).  Yet I, like most people, enjoy the surge of infatuation that is showered upon me.  I can hear it in one's voice, see it in one's eyes and feel the electricity or the gentle ripple of one's hand should I accidentally brushed against them.  The rush of infatuation is exhilarating.   It is like the most beautiful scent one could ever encounter, the softest silk that touches one's face, the gentle wind's sound blowing against the meadow, simply the most exciting feeling that trigger one's senses. 

I might not be able to reciprocate as I am extremely guarded (3 years of singlehood and rejection and another year of recovery can do that to you) and I wish, I wish, I can eventually feel that rush of infatuation washed along my mind and body too.  In time perhaps.. in time..

K

Full Disclosure

Love or the promise of love is a powerful thing, the chemical level of such emotion is beyond even the best of us, we aren't able to think straight (no pun intended), we make promises based on such emotion that it would be akin-ed to being blind and rather self-sacrificial.  I am not that great, seriously, a rather simplistic person with several flaws.  Pretty, but not that pretty, sexy but not that sexy, smart but that smart.. pretty average if you may.  But I have encountered people who fall in love with me within 6 hours of knowing me. 

That might sound like a bluff, even snobbish, but it happened.  During said time, the person would have promised the world to me. In the heat of passion, they would make extravagant promises that, when I was younger, believed without doubt.  Of course, when the enchantment was lifted, people started to see my flaws (which, I must admit, was several) and became to distant themselves, tempers started to flare, jealously became a driving point, suspicions became all too common, complacency became a daily routine.. until eventually the relationship broke, my heart shattered and all promises were off.  I once had an ex who did a tattoo for me, and told me that it was a symbol of our permanence.. but once we broke up and I asked her about the tattoo (with glimmer of hope in my heart and soul) she told me blatantly that it was but a tattoo and she had plenty of them. 

I am no longer young, reaching the dreaded middle age if anything, but I still have the blessing of people becoming enchanted by my being.  But I no longer believed in promises, or the passion that it entails.  I became hardened, distanced, guarded.  I tend not to fall in love as frivolously and guarded my now extremely scarred heart with a thick wall.  That said, I also stopped believing the spells that is cast unto my suitors and enchanted them.  I started to lay out the cards more openly now.  Perhaps it is age, perhaps it is just knowing myself better, I felt that my flaws had reduced but whatever remained can still be devastating to the person who might end up being with me.  I told them of things about me, things that perhaps my mother doesn't even know.  Some might choose to run, several preferred to stay.  I believe those who stayed are still enchanted, but at least I gave them full disclosure of my inabilities and my deficiencies.  I have no regret of such action now, I no longer felt ashamed of what I cannot do, or that I can be such a spoilt brat..  I rather have full disclosure than to completely wreck people who promised me the world, the ocean and all the aquatic animals it entailed. 

I love my life now, it is simple, quiet, I have the ability to take care of myself and I live in simple luxury.  I don't believe that I need anyone to fill any possible emotional void that is created by years of heart aches and hurt.  I have emotional baggage and I am not proud of it.  I also do not wish to burden any future beaus that might come my way.  However, should there be one person out there who is willing to accept my flaws, to understand them rather than to change them.. I will give my whole heart to the person, give the person love, compassion and utmost submission.  Ultimately I will make it the most worthy experience that one could ever encounter.   Until such person exists, I am rather comfortable being on my own. 

K

The beginning of a journey

I am a bisexual, I was one of those few people who got very confused with my sexuality since a very young age.. one moment I am gay, one moment I turned straight, the struggle of such journey will slowly be documented unto this blog.  

I am by nature a pretty private person, I don't really talk about everything to everyone at everytime, but with the flexibility of this blog, I wish I can slowly express my angst, laughter, love, joy to all those who chose to walk unto here. 

I shall start pasting blogs that I made from another site to here and slowly migrating them here.  That site just became too tiresome for me.  For those that shared similar journey as mine.. I hope you know that you are not alone in this deep internet-sea.  

K