Living in this world is hard, growing up is hard, being unattractive
is hard, being poor is hard, being human is hard, being gay is obviously
harder.
Aside from the daily stresses of life riddled with financial complications, self awareness, work stresses, parents pressuring us to get married, mortgage, loans, addiction problem etc etc, we have to be born gay too! (how unfair is that?).
Being gay gave us a completely different set of stresses, does my boss know I am gay? Will my client drop me since s/he is so religious? Can I ever sustain a real meaningful relationship? (ok fess up, how many of you really have long meaningful relationships that surpasses 10 - 15 years?), will I be able to have a child? (being gay doesn't mean we cannot be maternal or fraternal).
Now we add another stress, we are in Asia (gotta love this place). For some strange reasons, whereever you go in Asia you seem to know the entire community around you (or at least your parents know them). Asians are traditionally more demure, timid and obviously closeted. You won't be able to kiss your partner in the open, it's taboo! You won't be able to wed your partner under whatever high being's sanctuary, it's taboo (for some it's even sinful)! You certainly won't be able to easily adopt a child even if you are well off, it is (you guessed it) taboo! Of course with so many different kinds of stresses bundling on our poor crooked shoulders, it gets very difficult to really find the person whom you can really settle down with (yea, ok, it's taboo).
See, heterosexual (eventhough they do not wish to admit to it) have it easy. The world simply do not judge them as harshly. Even if a guy married 4 times, or a woman slept with numerous men, they might be called names but gay people could potentially (extreme case) be killed if they so much as looked at a straight person. Having babies for heterosexual is (in most case) anatomically possible while in gay's case, we have to either find a surrogate or use artificial insemination, both of which cost a hefty sum.
Marriage (I know some of us do not believe in this constitution) comes easy for heterosexual, all they need to do is marry someone of different gender (for whatever reasons), at city hall or chapel and elope (to save on wedding costs). See, many people (I hated that btw) likes to argue that many marriages are unhappy, they end in divorce blah blah blah.. While this is statistically correct, marriage does provide a certain degree of stability, recognition, common goals and not to mention marriage benefits.
See, in lesbian world, we have this term called the U-haul, lesbians (real study shows this, I gotta dig out my reference next time) are the most unreliable sexuality when it comes to commitment (you have no idea about that right?), study shows that women fall in love emotionally hence whenever we have this emotional connection with somebody, we tend to perceive that we fall in love with them and eventually decided to pull a 'U-haul' on them (move in with them). The misconception is on the 2nd date, but more realistically it's around the 3rd to 5th month. Without the legal implication of marriage, the relationship will eventually show signs of cracks (and we women are not really that tough when it comes to emotional breakdown) and then we U-hauled on to the next person etc etc. Not having a stable relationship, a relationship that defines us, a relationship that gives a stability in life, common goals of future, it becomes extremely difficult to grow, which explains why many gay people who are in their 30s to 40s still act and dress like they are fresh out of high school.
So back to my actual topic of being gay is hard! I do, however, believe that there are certain ways to defy such obstacles. First of all, we should always surround ourselves with good friends (if you have real good friends, just 1 - 2 is enough) who would always be with you through thick and thin (I have 2 of such friends). Then we should really take relationships seriously, don't ever be pressured to say 'i love you' when you are not ready... and if you felt that a relationship is not for you don't just jump ship immediately but tried to talk to your partner and see if there are ways to remedy such defects. Talk to people, don't keep things bottled up... don't be so selfish to hang on to a dying relationship and don't be too stupid to let go of someone who is really good for you just because you are bored. (next time I will discuss the 20/80 theory).
Society is against us, out of thousands of clubs in Malaysia, maybe only 5 - 10 are actually gay friendly, out of tens of millions of gay people in the world, maybe only 20% is really out and proud. We shouldn't make our life harder by getting in and out of relationships and become statistically unreliable. Respect ourselves before expecting people to respect us. Remember, however hard you are having it, you are not alone. Friends are important if you wish to live a happier and livelier gay life in conservative Asia.
K
Aside from the daily stresses of life riddled with financial complications, self awareness, work stresses, parents pressuring us to get married, mortgage, loans, addiction problem etc etc, we have to be born gay too! (how unfair is that?).
Being gay gave us a completely different set of stresses, does my boss know I am gay? Will my client drop me since s/he is so religious? Can I ever sustain a real meaningful relationship? (ok fess up, how many of you really have long meaningful relationships that surpasses 10 - 15 years?), will I be able to have a child? (being gay doesn't mean we cannot be maternal or fraternal).
Now we add another stress, we are in Asia (gotta love this place). For some strange reasons, whereever you go in Asia you seem to know the entire community around you (or at least your parents know them). Asians are traditionally more demure, timid and obviously closeted. You won't be able to kiss your partner in the open, it's taboo! You won't be able to wed your partner under whatever high being's sanctuary, it's taboo (for some it's even sinful)! You certainly won't be able to easily adopt a child even if you are well off, it is (you guessed it) taboo! Of course with so many different kinds of stresses bundling on our poor crooked shoulders, it gets very difficult to really find the person whom you can really settle down with (yea, ok, it's taboo).
See, heterosexual (eventhough they do not wish to admit to it) have it easy. The world simply do not judge them as harshly. Even if a guy married 4 times, or a woman slept with numerous men, they might be called names but gay people could potentially (extreme case) be killed if they so much as looked at a straight person. Having babies for heterosexual is (in most case) anatomically possible while in gay's case, we have to either find a surrogate or use artificial insemination, both of which cost a hefty sum.
Marriage (I know some of us do not believe in this constitution) comes easy for heterosexual, all they need to do is marry someone of different gender (for whatever reasons), at city hall or chapel and elope (to save on wedding costs). See, many people (I hated that btw) likes to argue that many marriages are unhappy, they end in divorce blah blah blah.. While this is statistically correct, marriage does provide a certain degree of stability, recognition, common goals and not to mention marriage benefits.
See, in lesbian world, we have this term called the U-haul, lesbians (real study shows this, I gotta dig out my reference next time) are the most unreliable sexuality when it comes to commitment (you have no idea about that right?), study shows that women fall in love emotionally hence whenever we have this emotional connection with somebody, we tend to perceive that we fall in love with them and eventually decided to pull a 'U-haul' on them (move in with them). The misconception is on the 2nd date, but more realistically it's around the 3rd to 5th month. Without the legal implication of marriage, the relationship will eventually show signs of cracks (and we women are not really that tough when it comes to emotional breakdown) and then we U-hauled on to the next person etc etc. Not having a stable relationship, a relationship that defines us, a relationship that gives a stability in life, common goals of future, it becomes extremely difficult to grow, which explains why many gay people who are in their 30s to 40s still act and dress like they are fresh out of high school.
So back to my actual topic of being gay is hard! I do, however, believe that there are certain ways to defy such obstacles. First of all, we should always surround ourselves with good friends (if you have real good friends, just 1 - 2 is enough) who would always be with you through thick and thin (I have 2 of such friends). Then we should really take relationships seriously, don't ever be pressured to say 'i love you' when you are not ready... and if you felt that a relationship is not for you don't just jump ship immediately but tried to talk to your partner and see if there are ways to remedy such defects. Talk to people, don't keep things bottled up... don't be so selfish to hang on to a dying relationship and don't be too stupid to let go of someone who is really good for you just because you are bored. (next time I will discuss the 20/80 theory).
Society is against us, out of thousands of clubs in Malaysia, maybe only 5 - 10 are actually gay friendly, out of tens of millions of gay people in the world, maybe only 20% is really out and proud. We shouldn't make our life harder by getting in and out of relationships and become statistically unreliable. Respect ourselves before expecting people to respect us. Remember, however hard you are having it, you are not alone. Friends are important if you wish to live a happier and livelier gay life in conservative Asia.
K
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