Support Systems

Hi there,

It had been a very very long time since I wrote on this blog but after Chinese New Year I suddenly got inspired to write about 'support system'.   "BORING!" I can almost hear people yell, with 'support system' usually followed by boring technical terms such as UPS,  Database backup, etc.. (zzzZZzz). 

Ok, I must explain that my 'support systems' really doesn't related to anything I.T. but to do with human beings.  With friends, family etc. 

Ok a small background to why I started writing this article.  About 2 weeks ago a friend of mine came out to me.   He had been gay all his life and been in a monogamous relationship for almost 9 years.  I certainly applauded him and felt touched that he was comfortable enough to came out to me eventhough we weren't really that close.

After voicing his stories and histories, he started asking about mine.  I told him about my terrible breakup from my ex and he looked in awe and sympathies as I poured out my previous heartaches.  He suddenly grabbed my hands and started sobbing as if it was one of the most painful incident he had ever been through.  I felt slightly awkward yet touched by his compassion.  He finally asked beneath the sobbing "why didn't you call me and talked to me about it? You shouldn't have to go through this alone you know?"

His question caught me off guard because.. truth be told, I really didn't spend though that hellish time alone.  While I didn't blew this in his face he went on about why he felt compelled to come out to us (we have quite a lot of gay friends amongst out school mates) as he felt that we could all be great friends to each other in terms of any 'gay crisis' that might happen to us.  Afterall, we are mostly in the closet and most of us do not have a lot of friends who knew or perhaps outstanding our 'predicament'. 

I didn't argue with him that night as I listened to how lonely his journey had been and how he longed for people who are able to understand him and that he is able to talk about his relationship(s) openly with. 

I suddenly realised that many of us out there actually do not have a 'support systems'.   Many of us are indeed in the closet and several times we actually stayed there for the better parts of our life.  When we fall in love, we enjoyed it in silence and we fall out of love we suffered in silence.  In Asia we don't hear of a lot of gay couples that got 'married' in open.. and if they happened to really get married in open, it would either make the news to a sea of scorn or hatred.  Infact in asia, we don't get to hear much of anything gay at all.  Our heterosexuals counterparts so sheltered themselves from the fact that we existed that we are constantly suffocating in silence.  This is the reason why a 'support systems' is really so important.  A support systems in this case is somsone who knew about us, who can be there for us and not judge us based on our sexuality but by who we really are.  A lot of times such support systems happened to be gay themselves, if not, they are certainly gay friendly.

When my friend poured his heart out to me, he said that he didn't really have a lot of friends who accepted him.  I guess that is indeed what we all seeked for,  acceptance.  I am one of those lucky few that have a HUGE support systems with around 30 - 40 friends who are ok with who I am.  My mom had been one of the first person to know about my affinity and it took her 10 years to accept it but at least she knew.  (we will talk about coming out of the closet next time).   I guess one of the first thing to understand about such suppport systems is to understand that not all friends are judgmental.  There are obviously some who won't accept you, it's ok if that happened, never let narrow-mindedness bother you.  You must also realise and accept that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of.  You will be surprised how many of us are ashamed of who we are (as if we can control it??).    As cliche as it sounded we must first learn to love ourselves before we started to have someone else love us.

I believe that everyone of us should have a support systems.  You don't really need a huge one, if you have really good friends, just one or two is really quite enough.  We all can get hurt sometimes and it just felt that slightly much better when there is someone there to share with you while you lament.

K